More than a Memory
by purplepagoda
Summary: Is Catherine losing it? Every where she goes she feels Warrick's presence. Sometimes she even sees him. But he's dead, he's gone. It's just in her imagination right? Or is it? Could she really be seeing Warrick? Even after his death?
1. Fantasy

She's getting a cup of coffee before work. She hands the cashier the money, and gets the feeling that someone is watching her. She turns around and looks out the window. A figure walks just out of view. She turns around to receive her change, and cup of coffee. She leaves the coffee shop and returns to her car. She turns the key in the ignition. She doesn't put the car into gear. She just sits in silence for a few moments.

She had been thinking about him a lot lately. She had never gotten the chance to tell him. The truth. She never got to seductively whisper her fantasy in his ear. She thought that letting him go would be hard, but it proved to be impossible. She saw him, felt him everywhere that she went. She sometimes wondered if she was losing it. Sometimes she felt like he was watching her. Sometimes she could almost smell him. Sometimes, like today, she was even sure that she saw him. And once when she got home she could swear that she smelled his scent on her pillow.

He was gone she knew that. Rationally she knew that he was gone. He was dead, he wasn't coming back. Still in the back of her mind she hoped that somehow he could. She wished she could be with him. She didn't need a lifetime more, she just wanted one more day. Just long enough to see him. To touch him. Long enough to live out her fantasy. She just wanted long enough to feel him next to her, to have him hold her in his strong arms. She knew that he wasn't coming back, but it was still so hard to believe.

Was she going crazy? She had seen him. She saw him lying in a casket. She knew that Grissom was with him in his last moment. She knew there was no way in the world that he could have survived. Still.... She wipes away her tears, and checks her make-up in the mirror. She puts the car into gear.

He'd always known that marrying Tina was a mistake. He didn't think that Catherine would ever forgive him. He didn't think that they could ever be together. He wasn't good enough for her. He didn't mean to hurt her. He hated to see her cry... even a single tear. He wanted her. He wanted to be with her. He needed her. She grounded him. She was good for him. And he knew that she was the half that made him whole, she was his better half. Even if he never had the guts to tell her.

It's late. Lindsey is sleeping soundly when she gets home. She brushes her teeth and takes a shower. She crawls into her bed and cries herself to sleep. She could never get over losing him, no matter how hard she tried, no matter how much she wanted to. As she lingers between sleep and wake she smells him. She is certain that she can smell his cologne. Maybe she needed to talk to someone. Was she hallucinating. That was the only explanation. She had dreamed of him so many nights. When she finally falls to sleep there are still tears on her cheek. She dreams of him.

_He comes into her room quietly. She feels him standing over her. He bends down and brushes her hair out of her face. She breathes in his scent. He kisses her cheek. He places the back of his hand on her cheek. He whispers, "I could never stay away from you. I love you. You're my soul mate. One day you'll understand. I'm so sorry I hurt you." He stands back up and turns for the door. "Don't leave me," she pleads. "I can't stay," he tells her._

And her heart breaks into a million pieces at the conclusion of the dream. Yet she feels a sense of calm, and peace. She wakes suddenly. She sits up in bed and looks around her dark room. It's just before dawn. She takes a deep breath in an attempt to clear her mind. Instead she breaths in his smell. Maybe she was crazy, maybe she was delusional, but maybe she wasn't. She races down the stairs, through the living room, past the kitchen, into the garage. She opens the hatch of the Denali and opens her kit. She pulls out a swab, and rubs across her left cheek.

Maybe it was a little much. She was probably being irrational. She was probably being crazy, and maybe she had reached a psychotic break. She probably needed to talk to someone. She'd probably be committed. She'd rather be losing her mind, than feeling nothing at all. Somewhere in her gut, in the back of her mind a flicker of possibility still lingers.


	2. Don't wake me

The next night she's completely exhausted from work. She hits the bed and falls asleep immediately. She has another dream about him.

_He tiptoes into her room. She lays on her side, facing the window. He sits down next to her, and brushes a stray hair out of her face. His fingers linger on her cheek for a few seconds. "You're so beautiful," he tells her. She says nothing, just looks at him. "I have to admit, you're the best fantasy I've ever had." She breaths in his scent. "Cath..." She stops him, "Don't leave me," she begs. "I can't stay," he tells her. "Just for a while," she pleads. "Ok," he agrees. She scoots closer to him. She lays her head on his thigh just above his knee. She closes her eyes, and feels his soft warm lips on her forehead. "I'm always here. I don't want to leave this unfinished." _When she wakes up his smell lingers and she finds herself more confused than ever. She sits up in bed and flips on her lamp. She looks at the clock. She flips off the light and decides to go back to sleep. She covers her head with a pillow and tries to block out all of her thoughts of him.

A phone call wakes her, and she heads off to a crime scene. Greg joins her at the crime scene. He's printing a doorknob when he notices her staring out the window of the bedroom.

"Catherine."

She doesn't respond.

"Catherine are you ok?"

She turns around and looks at Greg.

"Yeah," she nods in reassurance.

"Are you sure? You seem distracted."

"I am, but the show must go on."

"Right," he agrees returning to his work.

"Did you process the closet doors?"

"Twenty minutes ago," he tells her, "You know I can do the perimeter if you want."

"No I said that I'd do it."

"You don't have to. You are the boss."

"I need the fresh air Greg."

"Yeah ok."

She heads for the door.

"Catherine," he calls.

She spins around in the doorway and looks at him. "Yeah?"

"Is there something bothering you?"

"I don't know," she shrugs.

"You know it helps to get things off your chest sometimes."

"I've just been having dreams lately."

"Weird dreams?"

"I never dream."

"So they're weird because you're having them?"

"No."

"Is it a recurring dream?"

"Sort of, not really."

"What is it about?"

"It's going to sound crazy."

"Try me."

"I keep dreaming about Warrick."

"That's not crazy. The two of you were very close. I don't think any of us have really let him go yet."

"But Greg it's so real."

"What happens in the dream?"

"I dream that he comes into my room..."

"I don't need to know do I?"

"And he talks to me."

"Oh, that's not weird."

"But I can smell him."

"It's in your imagination."

"I guess," she nods.

"But you aren't so sure?"

"My bedroom always smells like him when I wake up."

"You were at the funeral, he's dead Catherine," Greg tells her.

"I know," she nods trying to rationalize it all.

When Catherine returns to the lab Wendy is at lunch. She pulls the buccal swab from her kit, and pulls on a pair of gloves. She runs DNA on the swab. The computer dings and Catherine hears footsteps. She looks up and finds Wendy.

"Are you replacing me?" Wendy jokes.

"No I was just..."

Wendy stops in front of the computer. "Are you running new DNA evidence on Warrick's case? I thought that his case was closed."

Catherine whirls around and looks at the computer. She clicks out of the window, and pulls off her gloves. She tosses them in the biohazard bin along with the DNA sample.

"Catherine are you destroying evidence?"

"No," she shakes her head.

"I'm confused."

"I was cleaning the Denali the other day and I found this huge wad of gum under the seat. I thought that I'd run the DNA and nail whoever put it there, maybe return the favor," she lies.

"You can always just blame it on Greg," Wendy tells her.

"I don't want to wrongly accuse anyone."

"Well I don't think you can return the favor."

"Guess not. I'd better go check on my case. I suppose I've let Greg suffer through processing evidence on his own for long enough."

"By the way this is weird."

"What?"

"You being in the lab, running DNA."

"You were out, I figured since it's not really work related I'd just handle it myself."

"Next time you should just wait," Wendy tells her.

"I'm sorry if I encroached on your territory."

"It's ok. I'll forgive you."

Catherine heads to the evidence room to help Greg process evidence. Eventually the day ends and she heads home. She takes a quick shower and crawls into bed.

_She feels someone curled up next to her. She finds a muscular arm wrapped around her. She shifts in bed. The arm loosens. She flips over and finds herself face to face with him. He stares at her with big green eyes. "This isn't how I imagined this playing out," she tells him. "Imagined what playing out?" He questions. "My fantasy," she answers. He smiles at her, "This is better than a fantasy, it's a dream." _ _"No I think that my fantasy was better," she argues. He raises an eyebrow, "Oh really? How so?" Her eyes light up as she replies, "Well there weren't any clothes involved," she admits. "I see," he smiles. Her hand slips out from under his arm. She touches the soft skin of his cheek. "Tell me that this is real." "Catherine it's your dream I'll tell you whatever you want." "Tell me that this is real," she repeats. "This.." he pauses as he stares into her deep blue eyes, he softly places his lips on her, "this is very real," he answers. _

She wakes up alone in her bed, tangled in a comforter. She violently kicks all of the bedclothes onto the floor. She grabs the pillow next to her and throws it at the wall, full of rage. She runs her fingers through her hair and tells herself, "Catherine you're losing it. This... it's not real. It can't be."


	3. Strange

She's in her office filling out paperwork when she hears the knock on the door. She looks up at the figure in the doorway through her glasses. She pushes her glasses up on her nose and smiles.

"Do you need something?"

"Can I come in?"

"The door is always open Nicky."

"Good," he nods and takes a seat across the desk from her.

"What do you need?" she questions.

"Nothing," he admits.

"Ok. So what are you in here for?"

"I'm just concerned about you."

"Nick I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Why are you asking?"

"I talked to Greg."

"Of course you did," she sighs taking off her glasses and casting them aside.

"Don't say it like that. He wasn't tattling, he was just worried about you."

"That's reassuring," she answers sarcastically.

"You know if you need to talk..."

She cuts him off, "Nick I'm perfectly fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Why are you so insistent that I'm not?"

"Maybe you should talk to Tina."

"Why?"

"You're not the only one who has such realistic dreams about Warrick."

"Nick, Tina was married to Warrick, they have a son, of course she dreams about him. Why are you talking to Tina anyway?"

"I visit Eli every once in a while. You should just talk to her."

"Why?"

"Because she thinks that she's losing her mind."

"Maybe she is."

"Cath I'm not so sure. Maybe we're missing something."

"Why do you say that?"

"She told me that in the dreams that she wakes up and she always finds Warrick in Eli's room. He's always there, just holding him, or talking to him."

"Nick, Warrick is dead. Nothing we can do, nothing we dream is going to bring him back."

"Yeah, you're absolutely right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be sticking my nose where it doesn't belong. I've got a case to work on, I'll get back to it."

She doesn't say anything. She just lets him walk away.

She finds herself sitting outside a house on a residential street in the suburbs. She sits in her Denali with the window rolled down just watching a beige house. Finally she rolls up her window and takes the keys out of the ignition. She grabs something sitting in the passenger's seat and climbs out of the vehicle. She shuts and locks the car door behind her. She cringes as her heels click on the walkway. She stops at the burgundy door and pushes the doorbell. She hears footsteps and the door swings open.

Tina stares at Catherine with confusion. She hears a noise and then a tiny voice. "Mama," a little guy hollers as he wraps his arms around Tina's leg. Tina bends down and picks up the little boy.

"What are you doing here?" Tina asks trying not to be rude.

"Well I brought this," Catherine starts out as she hands a stuffed puppy dog to Eli, "and I thought that we could talk."

"About what?" she questions.

"Nick said that we should talk."

"Nick says a lot of things."

"He said that you've been dreaming about Warrick too."

"Too? What do you mean too? You've been dreaming about Warrick?"

Catherine doesn't answer. Tina steps back, "Come in," she advises.

They takes seats opposite each other in Tina's living room. Eli quickly finds a spot on the floor and begins to play with his building blocks.

"Please excuse the mess," Tina asks.

"Kids are messy," Catherine points out.

"He seems to think that house looks better if every toy in his toy box is in one room."

"I can't believe how big he is," Catherine smiles.

"Can I get you something? Coffee, tea?"

"No I'm fine, thanks though."

"So what exactly did Nick tell you about my dreams?"

"Just that you were dreaming about finding Warrick in Eli's room."

"It always seems so real."

"So do mine," she admits.

"I'm sorry that we never really got off on the right foot," Tina apologizes.

"Not your fault."

"I just...his heart always belonged to you, he just wouldn't ever admit it. He loved you."

"Tina I..."

Tina cuts her off, "You don't have to apologize. I thought that he'd get over you, but he never did."

"Get over me?"

"I think that you were the one for him. He never got over the fact that he just let you go, and never pursued you. Sometimes he would flirt with other girls, and he always asked me why it didn't bother me. I would always tell him that he could look as much as he wanted, but I knew that they wouldn't mean anything to him. I loved him, and he loved me, but just not the way that he loved you."

"I'm so sorry that things didn't work out between you, but you have to know that I would never done anything with him. I'd never do that to another woman, I've been there before. More than once."

"I know, but he wasn't happy with me. He felt trapped and I felt guilty. He... I just couldn't do it anymore."

"So how is Eli doing?"

"He's great. He's so sweet, and smart, and funny."

"He's adorable."

"So about these dreams," Tina changes the subject.

"I dream that I wake up and he's in my room," Catherine answers shamefully.

"So you dream that you wake up?"

"Yeah, and he apologized for hurting me."

"He apologizes to Eli for leaving him."

"I guess that none of us really let go of him."

"Sometimes I wonder if it's just a dream," Tina admits.

"So do I."

"Because when I wake up Eli's room smells like his cologne," she adds.

"You're kidding right?"

"No why?"

"The same thing happens when I wake up. And every time I have to ask myself if it was real, and I'm crazy, or if it was just a dream and maybe my imagination is playing tricks on me."

"I thought about seeing someone about it, but I don't want them to take Eli away from me. I'm not crazy, even if I feel like it sometimes."


End file.
